Are you Living your Life how you Want to be Living it?

This is a question I often check with myself and encourage anyone I ever sit with for a consultation to consider. While there is no wrong time to be reflecting on life, the end of a year - and decade - marks a uniquely poignant time for doing so; hence the well-known term New Years resolution. This time of reflection may occur because we finally get to stop over the holiday season (hopefully..) and notice that we feel very different for doing so as our nervous system is able to switch into rest and repair mode after a gruelling year. It may also be influenced by having more meaningful experiences over this time - as we may feel more present and connected, and may feel that we are ‘being’ rather than ‘doing.’ The end of a year or decade marks a line in the sand where a blank slate starts afresh, and the hopes and desires that can spring from this feel omni-possible. It’s my own favourite time of year for this reason.

However, New Years resolutions are notoriously unsuccessful for many people. Psychologists know this all too well as we often see people frustrated by their failed resolutions in our clinics around late January or February. The reason that New Years resolutions often don’t last is down to simple psychology (or our evolutionary design): sustaining behaviour change is hard! We are wired to revert back to old coping behaviours under stress, and with the new year picking up pace into old routines and demands we can simply struggle to maintain desired change. Another reason is that our motivation to change goes up and down. Motivation is affected by many factors and with New Years resolutions people often rely on willpower, which will not be available to them once their motivation to change has dropped. For example, deciding to quit smoking is easy when you feel relaxed and happy and motivated to improve your health. Less easy is dealing with times of stress where cravings may emerge, being around people, places, or things that remind you of smoking, and navigating your ‘masterful salesperson’ mind telling you that you can have “just this one” and start again tomorrow.

Looking around at other blogs on making New Years resolutions I see they are a bit light on effective methods to make behaviour change work long-term. So here are some of my psychology-based and personally useful strategies if there is a behaviour you want to change this year. These should mostly apply for the common goals people think about around this time, such as stopping smoking, reducing drinking, eating healthier, improving spending habits, exercising more, or working less.

My Top Tips for Sustained Change

1) Make change tangible.

This means making your goal concrete rather than abstract. Concrete means - “3, 12 ounce bottles of 4% beer, 2 nights a week” rather than “cutting down drinking”. Once you have the goal made concrete then break it down into steps towards that which are small and manageable. For example, if you are currently drinking 6 bottles of beer 5 nights a week then it may mean reducing down first to 3 bottles, 5 nights a week for two weeks, then 3 bottles, 4 nights a week for two weeks, and then your goal of 2 bottles, 3 nights. It may mean choosing what nights are the nights you will and won’t drink on - e.g., weekends only.

2) Select your timing.

Is it the right time to make change? Are there any steps needed first? Using the cutting down beer example, you may need to clear out your stockpile of beer, make sure the fridge isn’t currently loaded, and notify people you drink with that you’re making a change. You will need to think about what you will add in instead of beer, such as bottles of kombucha or sparkling water. You may also need to think about what you’ll do to relax or reward yourself, if these are underlying reasons for drinking.

3) Identify your WHY.

Your WHY will be what you can draw on at times that motivation is reduced. This is about your personal values and reasons why this behaviour change matters to you. Values are like a lighthouse that guide your direction to take whenever you are clouded by cravings, urges, or falling back into old behaviours you don’t like. Reminding yourself what matters (e.g., your health, your children, feeling more vital, having freedom from compulsion) is a surefire way to tap into a resource to help you align your behaviour with how you want life to be. Remind yourself what really matters then take a step towards that (new behaviours) instead of away from it (old behaviours).

4) Seek social support.

Humans are wired for connection. When we tell people about the behaviour changes we want to make it holds us more accountable and may allow us to access their support at times when our own motivation may waver. If our peers are part of our unwanted behaviour then notifying them about change is a vital part of bridge-burning to make sure you are set up for success. For example, if stopping weeknight drinking, then notifying a friend who you usually drink with in advance is important - otherwise it may sabotage your attempt when they ask you around for a pint.

5) Respond to setbacks.

With any significant behaviour change we must anticipate setbacks. These are sometimes termed “slips” or “lapses.” Often when these happen we feel like we completely failed. There can be a lot of self-criticism and also feeling hopeless that we can actually make the change we want. However, it’s important to know that slips like this are completely natural and are actually an important part of behaviour change. These slips are valuable information - as they guide us on what we need to do differently next time. For example, if the goal was to only drink on two nights a week and you find yourself drinking more than you intended on an extra night, then you can run through a chain analysis of what went wrong to take the information forward next time. I love Kelly Wilson’s quote on this in a book I’ve been reading this Summer:

"You have a choice about which pattern of behaviour you want to strengthen. Will it be commit-slip-commit or will it be commit-slip-quit?”

A Liberated Mind, Dr Steven Hayes.

6) Navigate your mind.

Us humans have a mind wired to chat away to us about how we should be living our life, based on our values and desires. It is informed by our past experiences and our unique future worries. We often pay a lot of attention to what our mind has to say because it sounds compelling, but with acquiring mindfulness skills (especially ACT therapy) we can also learn ways to pay less attention if what it’s saying is not that useful to us right now. With behaviour change, our mind can be our downfall if it tells us we are going to fail anyway, or if it pulls us away in what I refer to as a “masterful sales pitch,” telling us that we can have what we crave in the now. Identifying this process is helpful - and being able to notice the pull, and to ride out the urge to act on what your mind tells you to do that is against your values. This is an important skill - to delay gratification and to reduce our evolutionarily wired tendency to go for short-term rewards over long-term gain.

All the best with implementing these ideas if you are set on making important changes this new year. If, like many of us humans, you are struggling to maintain change over time then you may want to sit down and chat to someone skilled in behaviour change. Sometimes the process of talking out loud to someone, hearing their ideas or impressions, and making important links between your current difficulties and other life events are all part of the change process too.