How Will you Remember 2020?
So here we are – we say goodbye to the arbitrary line in the sand of one year and embrace the unclear beginning of a new one. For many, they are pleased to see the back of a difficult year that is historically likely to be referred to as unprecedented. For others, the uncertainty continues into the new year. I often refer to new years as a blank slate, however, this year I struggle to relate to this concept, as we don’t really know what lies ahead. So instead I’ve asked myself, and many of those close to me, “what was 2020 for you - and how will you remember it?” Use one word or one sentence – and now go.
I got various answers – the year of courage, the year of new beginnings, the year of homecoming, a year to rebuild connections, a year to appreciate the small things, and a year of limbo.
For me, it will be remembered as the year I felt I couldn’t help (or as one wise colleague reframed it – the year I had to “find new ways to help”). I even felt dejected about writing or sharing content online which has given me a sense of purpose over the years of running my integrative practice. In addition to the viral pandemic, there was an “infodemic” and “opinion-demic” that rained down on us from social platforms and I felt strongly that I didn’t want to add to the noise. Watching and waiting until I had better grasped the situation became my focus – as an introvert this is generally how I roll.
So full has the year been of constant adjustment and readjustment that there was little chance for us to tap into our emotional experiences. Necessarily, our logical minds prevailed and interacted with the human survival system - doing its evolutionary part to get us through intact. So, with many of us now stopping for a break before moving into the new year, don’t be at all surprised if your emotions only catch up with you now. If you have not yet had the chance to sit with yourself quietly, with your very human thoughts and emotions brought on by the pandemic, then I encourage you to take some time to do this now.
Emotional processing of this year came for me only at a concert sometime well after social distancing requirements were lifted and we could once again come together. Surrounded by many others in the shared experience of live music I was struck with a sudden overwhelming feeling of gratitude. With the surprising tears in my eyes I suddenly allowed myself to connect with the unrealized loss I’d personally suffered from not being in an audience for months. The importance of live music for me only realised by its absence. It reminded me that we don’t always know what it is we grieve at the time we are grieving it, but still the loss is there.
I see clearly now that what we are all trying to achieve is something much deeper than how to simply survive a virus – we really aren’t wanting more guidance on how to eat, sleep, move or connect in order to respond best if we catch “it”. There is something much deeper at play. Underneath our fear and uncertainty lies the essence of the human struggle over a lifespan – the need for both connection and security as well as meaning and purpose during our short time here.
It is described in the book Apollo’s Arrow that the pandemic has brought out the “very best and very worst” of human behaviour.¹ As a psychologist, I’ve observed that the pandemic has simply highlighted all the ways that evolutionary biology still applies to humans within our modern context.
So, it’s ok if you coped last year by buying toilet paper. Or any other seemingly irrational method for gaining control of a threat that you did not yet know how to protect yourself from. Panic buying is a legitimate attempt for your limbic brain to try and feel safe. It’s also ok if you don’t feel like you thrived and became extra innovative under these conditions of chronic stress – this is your brain prioritising resources and energy demands to simply survive and get through.
Equally, if you ate and drunk yourself through lockdown in your activewear that too was a natural response. This was a common experience by many of us at home who were seeking comfort, control, reward or consistently available connection at this time of great stress. It may help us to understand the experience of many humans who struggle with addiction under conditions of adversity, loneliness or trauma. We can empathise more easily that turning to external sources of comfort is often an adaptive way to numb and cope with the unbearable, in the short-term.
If you found your body manifested heightened anxiety and hyper-vigilance, physical symptoms of stress, insomnia, or if difficult memories of past times of not feeling safe (e.g., from childhood) started to emerge, know that you are in good company. The majority of my year working with people was spent helping them with grounding and calming from a heightened nervous system. For many, they experienced such symptoms for the first time, while for others, post-traumatic stress disorder that was previously addressed and in remission, re-emerged.
The body always remembers previous trauma and will remind us to be vigilant and on guard if we do not feel safe - with a predictable sequelae of fight-or-flight symptoms as the body gears up to survive, but for others this can cause complete overwhelm and numbing. According to polyvagal theory, both responses are designed by evolution to be adaptive for survival.² When this is short-lived it helps us to get through, but when prolonged it becomes difficult to function, as the body becomes depleted and requires a period of perceived safety, integration of the experience, and requisite restoration. Fear and panic can also be contagious – and this aspect of a pandemic could be as dangerous as a possible virus if it obfuscates our collective ability to focus our efforts towards survival in the long-term.
A definition of trauma I use is “when your coping systems are overwhelmed” in the context of inadequate resources or support. This pandemic hit us with a trifecta of insecurity - health, economic and relational. We simply didn’t know whether we would be physically or economically safe and whether we could access our usual avenues of connection and support (for those of us privileged enough to have financial or relational resources in the first place). There are a multitude of other components of pandemic grief and adjustment that Esther Perel has aptly termed ambiguous loss. ³ Like my strong response to realising I had deeply grieved live music.
Things have changed, life continues to be different, even though in New Zealand where I am based we are (currently) in a safe position relative to most of the world with statistically low loss of lives or restrictions to daily living. With a gratitude for being in this position, it is also ok if you feel bad for emotionally struggling through this pandemic because you are supposed to feel lucky. This relates to a trauma concept known as survivors guilt whereby survivors feel they have done something wrong or experience guilt or distress about not experiencing harm while others did not fare so well..
“Grief is not felt only for the lives lost, but also for the loss of our way of living”
Apollo’s Arrow, Christakis, 2020.
And yet, it helps no-one if we over-identify with all the pain and suffering around the world knowing that there is nothing we can do. This helpless experience simply creates dejection, overwhelm and potential compassion fatigue.
Things are unlikely to be exactly the same again – however this may be ok in time. The concept of post-traumatic growth (PTG) focuses on the often overlooked positive outcomes of trauma, including the “natural processes people use as they struggle with the aftermath of trauma to derive meaning, feel wiser and face uncertain times with more confidence”.⁴ Post-traumatic growth can include the following five areas:
Relationships with others,
New possibilities in life,
Personal strength,
Spiritual change,
Appreciation of life. ⁴
PTG involves a positive change in any one or more of these realms as well as making-meaning from the challenging experience, and is most often associated with people who endured some degree of emotional struggle or faced some existential questioning as a result. PTG may or may not occur for all people and is a process that takes time, when it does occur. The pandemic reminds us of our mortality and represents something much bigger than us – it raises the issue of whether we are living our life as we really want to be.
In the time and space offered by the aftermath of an imminent threat we can ask the existential question - “what is the meaning of my time here?” - we may then change something (even our perception or attitude) in order to overcome the angst of a life without meaning. This can result in changed relationships, careers, life philosophy and beyond.
If you found yourself seeking meaning, connection, self-understanding, or a greater spiritual purpose these desires too are expected at this time. With existential threat and uncertainty, we often turn to these sources in order to help make sense of things and soothe our existential crisis.
2020 brought out the best and worst of us all in our attempt to rally together in a time of shared distress. I hope 2021 will bring out the best of newly acquired adjustment and post-traumatic growth as we now need to address the emerging psychological pandemic and social/socioeconomic consequences and social justice issues raised by 2020.
But first things first. If right now, like so many of us this year-end, you feel emotionally flat and bone-tired or are suffering psychologically - rather than feeling celebratory and playful - this may be your body’s endpoint of an endurance stage of stress. It is only once the stressor passes where the brunt of its effects catches up with us. Once the body feels safe and can finally stop it can rest and recover, so you can reflect and revive. If this is you, go with it for now.
My follow up article from this covers 8 ways to revive your stress levels this Summer to help focus on restoration over the first few weeks of 2021.
References
Christakis, N.A. (2020). Apollo’s Arrow. The Profound and Enduring Impact of Coronavirus on the Way We Live. Hachette Book Group: New York, USA.
Porges, S. W. (2020). The COVID-19 Pandemic is a paradoxical challenge to our nervous system: a Polyvagal Perspective. Clinical Neuropsychiatry, 17(2),135-138. https://doi.org/10.36131/CN20200220
Esther Perel (n.d). What is this Feeling? Anticipatory Grief and Other Pandemic-Related Emotions. https://estherperel.com/blog/anticipatory-grief
Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (1996). The Post-traumatic Growth Inventory: Measuring the positive legacy of trauma. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 9(3), 455-471. https://doi.org/10.1002/jts.2490090305
