The Invitation of Change

I have always loved New Year. There is something about a fresh start, the hope and optimism of a new chapter, and the excitement and relief of having an extended summer break before starting a new idolised future year (that will of course turn out to still bring its own challenges, curveballs and disappointments).

But exiting 2022, the 3rd year of a global pandemic, doesn’t quite feel like this for me or many people I’ve talked with recently.

Last New Year, I wrote about cultivating joy to offset the long-term stress and uncertainty of the pandemic. This year the need to offset stress and exhaustion through finding moments of pleasure, delight, presence and awe still applies - but there is something new that has come out of many conversations over the past few months.

This is the topic of change - both invited and uninvited.

For months now I have heard about the desire for change and the incredible steps people are taking to achieve various changes. For example, many people are leaving the profession they have been in for years - whether they be teachers, health professionals, lawyers, farmers, or accountants. Others are making geographical changes and going to live in a different region or country.

Others are making changes within themselves in how they live each day and the way they engage in their relationships and with whom. Changing boundaries, changing how they express their needs and ending any relationships that no longer serve them. Cultivating new patterns of self-care for both physical and mental well-being.

For many of us, change is not invited and is determined by a changed situation - financial circumstances dictating limits, a health concern or burnout communicating a physical need to change, or the loss of a loved one simply changing everything. The degree of change - big and small has also been insidious and accumulative. Small things adding up can also feel a bit like someone has rearranged the furniture and your whole room is different now.

In regards to invited change, initially, I just thought it was interesting and inspiring to hear a few stories of massive life upheavals underway, but then it became a clear pattern that I found quite profound. In response to so much long-term external uncontrollable change, it seems like people are finding their own path of adjustment by taking control of what they can now change and taking action to diminish feelings of loss or helplessness.

Perhaps the various stressors and adverse feelings that occurred over the past few years of fear and threat, isolation and lockdowns, social disharmony and the need for rapid adaptation, have been attached to the things we have been doing for work (or our relationships or location) during this time? Perhaps the growing desire for change is a shedding or undoing of this time and is a healthy and optimistic sign of the human capacity to transform and achieve post-traumatic growth?

Three psychological considerations in change - whether it’s been invited or not:

1) Adjustment is internal and external

Internal changes occur as we move through our thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations in response to our experiences and we may eventually adjust things like our attitudes and expectations of ourselves, others or our goals. We may grieve, and journey through anxiety and emotions like sadness, fear, anger, and even shame in response to changes.

External changes involve behavioural changes such as leaving a relationship that no longer serves us, the journey of letting go of a loved one who has died, deciding on a career change, returning to study and upskilling, or moving to a whole new place.

2) Change impacts our identity

Changes in our lives can change how we see ourselves and our self-esteem. Having or losing a partner, obtaining academic qualifications or a certain role in society, being physically fit and able or not, gaining or losing weight, being a parent or not, growing old and aging, and having financial security or losing it are examples where we can attach meaning and value to what these mean about us and our self-worth. Our self-confidence may be enhanced or reduced depending on these things. Changes in big areas like relationships, career and health mean changing our identity to some extent - we can change our expectations, have self-compassion, and be aware that we can update our sense of identity to include any changes that may occur, in time. We can also hold the mindful awareness that we are more than these things and that the essence of a person doesn't really ever change.

3) Change what you can; accept what you can’t

And have the wisdom to know the difference - these are often quoted words originating from the bible and used in addiction recovery. We can only ever change the things we can change, and then there are the things that may not be able to change. Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference and part of the adjustment is the process of working out what you can and can’t change. This can’t be rushed and is often an important part of your own change process.

The invitation of change

As we move into the blank slate of 2023 and a fourth year of responding to the pandemic, we face a lot of things that we have little agency or control over - such as economic strain, a potential recession and the social effects of long-term stress and disharmony that are showing up in increased rates of illness, mental health problems, addictions and crime.

People around us are also dealing with their own changes and this creates a different layer of change and even loss - as our supports and community may be less available, less responsive and more distant while they focus on their own adjustment. It’s not personal and may not be permanent - it’s part of the change too. Remember to reach out and help each other through change as social support offsets stress.

The concept of acceptance does not always come easy but it often is the antidote to struggle. The paradox of change is this contention - how to balance the current reality of an uninvited change while also working on improving the things that can be changed in response to it.

Feeling a loss of control will be uncomfortable for most people to some extent, but particularly so for anyone with experiences of loss of control early in life - such as loss through death or parental separation, undesired geographical change, or through experiencing abuse or insecure attachments.

If we don’t eventually turn to face change and grow with it, then individually and collectively we will experience stagnation - being stuck, staying the same, and not adapting. If you feel stuck right now then consider whether you could be willing to turn towards changes - as willingness is step one of acceptance.

While many struggle with accepting change, it’s important to remember that change is part of being human and we are wired to adapt and evolve. We can find small ways to turn towards big life changes that inevitably come to all of us and find peace and acceptance as well as meaning and purpose. Through acceptance, we may even thrive through change and transformation - as we embrace that it is part of the rich experience of living a full life on earth.

“The only constant in life is change. ~ Heraclitus (Greek philosopher)

“Turn and face the strange changes." ~ David Bowie